The things I Never tell you

Why is it that I never ask you for money or anything else for that matters?
You ask me but somehow I think you already know the answer.
I know about the economic state we're in and I know how broken
you are inside. Even if you try to hide it behind a smile I can see
how false it is.

(That's why I try to cover up when
I'm out of medicine because if you
don't know you don't have to worry
about the money to getting more...
That's why I often smuggle back
the money from my student grant
back into your pockets when you don't see.)

Why is it that I never tell you about my problems and ask for help?
Because I know you have enough problems of your own to be able
to deal with mine.

(and inside I'm afraid that if i told you,
i would be seen as too big burden to carry
for your already worn out shoulders,
and be tossed aside to make it easier for
you to carry on.
After all, I'm just the failed leftover of the
hopes you carried for me)

And if I sometimes asked you for anything more than a pencil and
a few scraps of papers to write on, I could directly see it in your
eyes that you though it was too expensive. Still you gave it to me
with hopes that I one day would be able to repay you. But over the
years it seems your hopes has faded and I with them.

(After all, who would be stupid enough to
ask about a new pair of panties? When we
only have a few pennies to live on till next
time you happened to get some money.
But this is the time when I learned to stop
asking questions, because I knew you wouldn't
be able to answer without getting fractures)    

If I mentioned my problem, I would already hear the beginning
of the scolding for being such a total mess and getting myself in trouble.
I could see it even if you tried to hide it... how disappointed you would be.
But in reality, I have only showed you the top of that iceberg because if I
showed you the rest you wouldn't be able to handle it.

(If I told you all that is wrong with me
and all my mistakes and problems,
would you even be able to look me in
the eyes? Would you still be able to
pretend that everything's alright? Or
would that be the moment I ended up
completely alone? )

I'm sorry for being useless and the one to always be a mess... that's
why I don't want to show you my tears.. because I know you would surely break.

Sincerely;
     Your daughter...