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:iconekinawa: More from Ekinawa


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January 11, 2013
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every tear leaves a scar, not on your face but
on your soul. that's why people can keep living
in bliss. that's why we can close our eyes to the
things we don't want to see.

that's why we don't notice the boy crying on the
bus. close to breaking. because we don't want to
know of his pain. that's why we don't notice the
girl struggling to wipe the tears away before she
takes seat in her mother's car.
 
     (forcing
                     a
                           smile
            to seem
                                 okay...)

that's why we close our eyes. It's easier that way.
but what if you could actually see the scars?
would we still live in bliss? or would we find new
excuses to keep up the charade?

maybe we would start a new trend? make everyone
hide their faces. so tomorrow when you walk down
the street, everyone wears masks to hide. maybe
our ideals would change as well?... from skinny
girls and beefy guys to people who don't have scars.

to people who can take off their mask without fear
that their face will be covered in scars. broken.
or would we just hide it all with a bit of photoshop
magic?  and try to forget the pain of the tears that
burned marks deep into our skin?

  "while we heard the sound of flesh burning away
with the smell of crispy bacon. somehow it seemed
like the pain wouldn't stop. like it would burn away
all that was.... me"


but maybe we wouldn't be able to understand?
why would we want to know about other people's
pain, when we've got enough of our own problems?

every tear leaves a scar, not on your face but
on your soul. but what if we could see the
scars of our burning tears, what would we see?
 
sorry for not up loading anything in a while i haven't been in a really mood for writing well except for that loooong thing i write about a imaginary race i have created about their powers, traits, history, ect.

any way... this is a piece that was inspired by *DestinyBlue and her beautiful picture witch you can view here --> [link] it is also a bit inspired by a thing that happend to me the same day that my grandma died (sitting on the buss crying my eyes out) and something that happend earlier today... that did make me start to think and the results is what you see here....

btw... is it anyone that knows how to make part of a text in another uhm... way? like when you write in words you can make the text fat or swishy or have a line go through the written text... or even make it smaller.... i know you can do it too on DA but how do you do it!? :iconcannotevenplz:

anyway hope you like it! ^^
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:iconposhsingularity:
PoshSingularity Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Professional Artist
Hi, I was referred here by GrammarNaziCritiques

You might not like this critique, as it is overall negative, but if you take it in the spirit in which it is meant, you may learn from it.

I'm a bit weary of critiquing this, since you were a bit defensive about grammar and spelling with the last critique.

Just as a note (please don't take this personally):

When you receive a critique, please do not jump to excuses. We are not critiquing you as a person, but your work. If your work has bad grammar and spelling, that means you need to improve those areas- not claim dyslexia as an excuse (which it isn't, but that's another unrelated point). It doesn't matter who you are, dyslexic, a non-native speaker, or from Mars- it's your work that matters, and that's all that's being critiqued.


That said:

This is not poetry, and should be submitted to Prose.

Now, you might say "ra ra, who are you to say something is or isn't poetry?"

If so, then again, I would remind you to not be defensive ;)
I'm not critiquing you, I'm critiquing your work.

This is hypothetical/metaphysical prose, and not poetry. Within it are arguably contained a few lines of poetry, but the whole is not a work of poetry.

Prose is based on standard conversational flow, which this is, where the meter is secondary or unimportant. In prose, it's just the idea that is expressed, and done so in terms of conventional conversational English.

That's what this is.


Poetry is a different creature all together- it doesn't even have to make any sense.

It's all amount meter, flow, pattern, the beat and melody of the words and how they fit together and flow on the page.
In poetry, you can not simply swap out words without considering their effects on the lines, or in the case of free-verse, upon the entire poem.


A quick test to see if something is poetry. Once you're done, ask yourself:

"Could I add a single syllable to any one of these lines without restructuring and rewriting the entire thing?"

If the answer is yes, generally speaking, you have written prose, and not poetry.

And yes, that applies to free verse too.


If I were your poetry teacher (unless I wasn't doing my job), I'd have to give this an F. Not because it's bad- but because it's not the assignment. It would be like turning in your math homework to your history teacher.

I can't critique this as poetry- it would be like explaining the historical sociopolitical motivations for pi being equal to 3.1415...



However, I will critique your prose briefly, as though it were submitted into Prose -> Fiction -> Spiritual & Occult


Grammar problems:

You need to capitalize the first letter of each sentence; it's quite distracting otherwise.
You also have a lot of very short sentences here; in order to make it easier to read, and a little more professional prose-wise, you should really combine some of these sentences into complex sentences.
There are still a bunch of other grammatical errors in here (I can't point out every one, but it needs more careful proof reading).


Beyond that, the first thing that jumps out at me is that the concept as expressed is just patently incorrect. I don't know of any assumed philosophical or psychological perspective in which this makes any sense as a metaphor.

A metaphor that works are tears as blood from emotional wounds. Blood from wounds does not leave scars. If anything, tears are considered cathartic- they help heal emotional wounds, not cause them. It can be analogized to the poison in the wound from an emotional sting being bled out.

That is not saying that you can't write about this- of course you can- but it will take much more work to get the audience to believe your metaphor, and for this to carry a serious mood (which seems to be what you're after here).

I see what you're trying to do, but what this needs is more research to help you bring it across. It's your job to explain, at least in a metaphysical sense, how this is true, and get the reader to humor it for the duration of your pondering.

As it stands, this is comparable to saying, "What if bleeding caused PTSD?" It doesn't make any sense without explanation.

What DestinyBlue's work is suggesting is that inward injury is reflected by outward injury, and that tears are the vector by which the soul expels the animus of wounding into the physical world- tears having the physical power and nature of their emotional origins.

There's much more I could say, but I don't have time to do so now.

Mostly, I would suggest that you try to ponder on that a little more (and do a bit of research into psychology and metaphysics), before trying to tackle this.

And if you write it as poetry (and it would be well suited to being written as poetry), make sure to do that- feel the flow and the beat of the words; every syllable and sound, every line flowing into the next. Poetry is like music, not conversation. You have to let the words sing.



Remember, this is a critique of the work, and not of your person. Please use these suggestions to improve; that's what they're meant for :)
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Professional
Oh lovley! Really like what you did with the middle part and how the words are arranged, certainly adds a the reality of feeling fractured to it. The last paragraph is a very powerful end. Glad I could be of inspiration to your writing :nod:
:hug:
Reply
:iconekinawa:
Ekinawa Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you I'm so glad that you liked it ^^
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Professional Writer
I just re-read it, and I'm feeling drenched in your beautiful writing. Well done!
Reply
:iconekinawa:
Ekinawa Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you like it! ^^
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here from #We-Poets and you requested a critique on this, so here I am! =) Most of my notes below are for spelling and grammar. Please read your poem before uploading it. I understand if your spelling and grammar are bad in general, but try to think of this Website as a place to publish your work. It's more important than just a casual online journal for your writing, especially when you are submitting it to groups and requesting critiques from strangers.

I'd love to read this again too once the errors are fixed, but they really stopped me from appreciating the piece, which I can tell is beautiful once you get past that. Anyway, here are the edits:

girl struggling to whip the tears away before she
takes seat in her mothers car.
^change "whip" to "wipe" and "mothers" to "mother's"

(forcing
a
smile
to seem
okey...)
^okay, not okey

so tomorrow when you walk down
the street, everyone wears a mask to hide.
^Change "everyone wears a mask" to "everyone wears masks" OR "each one wears a mask"

our ideals would changes as well?... from skinny
^Change "changes" to "change"

To people who can take of their mask without fear
^Change "of" to "off"

or would we just hid it all with a bit of photoshop
^Change "hid" to "hide" + change "photoshop" to "Photoshop"

why would we want to know about other peoples
pain, when we got enough of our own problems?
^Change "peoples" to "people's" and "we got" to either "we have" or "we've got"

scars of our burning tears, what would we see?....
^Delete the "...." as it really is meaningless there. Trust that the words itself, the question and the question mark will be enough of an impact to the reader.

Looking forward to reading this again once the edits are made! =)
Reply
:iconekinawa:
Ekinawa Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student Writer
First off thank you for the wonderful critique I really appreciate it.

and well the second thing is that i have dyslexia so i do have some problem with seeing things i have misspelled. that's why i'm glad when people point them out so I can learn and improve till next time. And I do try to put my piece's through spell correction programs but it helps to get me to words right but it doesn't correct you if you have written the wrong form in a sentence or stuff like that... -_-'' at least not the program I have...

and it not always so easy to get other people to read it before you upload it...

and again thank you so much for the critique!
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Professional Writer
aww I understand! I'll try to remember that in the future...but if I ever forget, I hope you'll know I'm just very forgetful and don't take it personally =)
Reply
:iconekinawa:
Ekinawa Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Student Writer
Well I won't blame you if forget... I myself is also very forgetful. Beside I'm used to have to explain it to a lot of people I meet anyway... ^^;
Reply
:iconeternalsunday:
EternalSunday Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
nice one! it's really good. (i'm guessing that other thing is what happened today before we went home and just so you know it's okay now.)

here's a tutorial for the text stuff you wanted [link]
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